coffee vs dwarf
by Koota Jakan and Yamimaru
Summary: Hobbits, even the hobbit of Erabor tended to enjoy a good cup of coffee. It was a fact that was so common that it was often forgotten. The drink after all had never been brewed in the area around Erebor the ground was unsuitable for the plant needed after all. So what happens when our favorite dwarfs are introduced to coffee?
1. Chapter 1

"What is this Halfling? I haven't smelled the like of it before" Thorin asked staring dubiously at the steaming black liquid.

"Its coffee you're meant to drink it" Bilbo supplied taking a sip from his mug "It's a hobbit specialty grown in Tooksborough"

"And you're sure it's fit to drink"

"Well I haven't died yet" Bilbo said breaking apart his pumpkin muffin "If you would like to try it there are a few more mugs in the cabinet"

"Why would I want to try that hobbit it looks disgusting"

"Well if you're too afraid I could all ways offer Fili and Kili try it their always asking to try "hobbity" things" Thorin frowned before heading to the cabinet.

"As if I would be afraid of a drink" Thorin said angrily filing the mug with the brown liquid that smelled remotely like a concoction his mother used to drink some nights when Thorin was young.

Thorin stared at the cup debating whether or not it was worth saying he was afraid to try it.

He thought it through over and over again his decision to try hobbitish things. He didn't want to seem weak in front of the Halfling, but he didn't want to risk trying the drink either. Thorin came to the conclusion that with the immaturity of Fili and Kili they would make fun of their uncle for admitting being afraid and king just didn't admit to such things either.

Thorin took a tentative sip before slamming the mug back down. "This is exceeding bitter Halfling. How you could stand this I do not know" Thorin exclaimed. "If it is not to your liking simply add some milk or something most races outside of shire do". The king bristled at the preserved insult and picked up the mug downing another sip. He would not be perceived as week by the little burglar of all people.

Instantaneously Thorin cringed at the bitter taste of the beverage. Milk he needed milk or something that would get this god forsaken taste out of his mouth.

'Maybe someone could help me' Thorin thought while smirking to himself while looking at Bilbo Baggins.' wait what was that thought?'

No absolutely not! He would not lower himself to lie with a hobbit. No matter how cute said hobbit may be he was a king and kings just don't stoop low even when courting.

'It must be the something Fili and Kili gave me that is making me deluded' as if on cue Fili and Kili walked in the room.

"Bilbo Bombur said you were making some hobbit thing for us to try!" Kili said practically bouncing in his seat. "Hello uncle" Fili said fallowing Kili much calmer though no less existed. "Well what is it? Is it some kind of food? Or maybe a game you promised to teach us one of the hobbit games!" Kili shot off in rapid fire as Bilbo simply rose to get two mugs. "It's a drink really, just something we hobbits like to make called coffee to warn you might want to add some milk or something your uncle informed me it's quite bitter"

"Milk? Uncle are you saying you can't drink the beverage straight up?" Fili asked almost laughing

"I am drinking it that way now am I not?" Thorin replied. And then to show off Thorin took one gulp of the beverage.

"Uncle your face is all cringed, are you ok?" Kili asked.

"I'm fine; the drink is just too hot!" Thorin said huffily taking another sip "Try it your selves the burglar already has your mugs ready for you"

"Well you can drink it cold Thorin but it's made even stronger then" Bilbo supplied happily adding milk into the boy's coffee. The color was familiar matching now this was clearly the same drink his mother would drink. If his mother could drink this there was no way he would back down from this.

"Are you sure you're ok uncle Thorin your face is turning red" Fili asked taking his green mug in hand. Kili already slurping down the drink like he was a dying dwarf.

"I am fine I said! I just need to cool my drink" Thorin said still huffing.

"Ok uncle" Fili said uncertainly sipping gently at the brew in his hand. It was soothing to the young prince.

"Do you like it?" Bilbo asked the crown prince.

"It's good is there any other hobbit things we can try" Fili said.

"Can I have another cup" Kili said meanwhile Thorin is still trying to drink his.

As Bilbo filled Kili's second mug Thorin's eyes never once left him. "Are you sure you're ok Thorin?" Bilbo asked "I can get the milk for you if you really find it that bitter". Thorin was about to answer when Kili looked up from his mug "You know I never quite realized just how cute Legolas was till just now." Fili almost spit his coffee across the table at his brother's words looking to his uncle to gage his reaction.

"What did you say?" Thorin said dangerously.

"Yeah I don't know why but I just noticed it." Kili said taking another sip of coffee. "I'm going to go to mirkwood now, bye." Kili says as he got and left. Fili just stood there in shock of what his brother just said and did. Meanwhile Thorin was turning a lovely shade of purple with rage.

"Bilbo Baggins, this is your fault!" Thorin said as he slammed his now empty mug down on the table and went to storm over to Bilbo who was now looking confused. Thorin got to where Bilbo was and stood there staring at him like he was the arkenstone.

'Why am I feeling this way? Why am I suddenly feeling attracted to this Halfling.' Thorin thought before he leaned down and kissed Bilbo full on the lips.

'Shit! Why did I just do that' Thorin said and panicked while backing away from Bilbo.

"This awkward, I'll leave it to you uncle bye" Fili said as he bolted out of the room with his mug in his hand.

"Thorin?" asked Bilbo confused while he put his right hand to his lips. He could still feel the tingling sensation from the king's soft tender lips.

Thorin turned beet red now and booked it out of the room.

"Confusticate these dwarves! What is wrong with them?" Bilbo said placing his hands on his hips "It was just a bit of coffee"

~~~~~~~  
Disclaimer: we do not own the hobbit or any of the characters in this story


	2. Should have said no

Should have said no

Bilbo then decided he was going to have to look for a book in westron language. And so he continued looking on the bookshelf book. At first all he found was a large amount of books in Khuzdul. Only one book was in westron out of all the books on the shelves it was titled Dwarven courting for Dummies. seeing little in the way options Bilbo decided to read the book of courting it may have nothing to do with dwarves and coffee but Ori seemed to think it would . He looked around the library for a chair to sit and read . It seemed as though this library must be rarely used to have so little in the way of seating. After walking for quite a bit he found the perfect seat to sit in and sat down and opened the book. It was far into the book that Coffee was actually mentioned and its uses made Bilbo blush Furiously. Bilbo rushed to stand tucking the book under his arm unable to believe that Thorin would let him give coffee to his Nephews when it had such effects.  
"Thorin!" Bilbo shouted. Then he ran off to find The dwarven King. Bilbo had to have searched half the mountain before giving up and deciding to simply check Thorin's chambers. Their sitting at the desk Thorin was writing a writing a letter with just the smallest candle to light the page. Thorin turned as Bilbo walked in and was about to say something when Bilbo covered his mouth with his hand.  
" before you say anything let me just say why didn't you tell me. !?"  
Thorin looked utterly confused and Bilbo removed his hand "Tell you what?"  
"The effects of coffee on dwarfs you stubborn dwarf I can't believe you let me give that to your nephews!"  
"I let you give my nephews? I knew something was off about that coffee! what did it do to my nephews and I? "  
"You mean you don't know?"  
"Just tell me Halfling! What has it done to my sister-sons and myself?"  
Bilbo flushed a deeper shade of red opening and closing his mouth in an attempts to tell the dwarf king exactly what the substance caused. After several tries he gave up pulling out the book "Just Read page 454 Thorin. I wouldn't have known at all if I hadn't found this book in the Library today"  
Thorin took the book from Bilbo and opened the book to page reading for a few moments he paused and his jaw dropped.  
"Fili... Kili... oh no Legolas ! not the elf! Anyone but the elf! fuck! I can't go after him like this. " Thorin blurted out after a few minutes of silence.  
"what should we do? it say the effects are long term if a dwarf drinks allot or even a full cup.?" Bilbo asked not sure what to do next.  
" Not we Bilbo you. You must get my nephew before he can court that elf scum! And you are to return to my chamber after with him and his brother. They must be restrained until the effects wear off him. It is your responsibility to bring them to me since you started this." Thorin said " after I deal with them I will deal with you ."  
"deal with me I didn't even know what I was doing!" Bilbo blurted "look I am sorry for what happened and I will help fix this by making sure they don't leave the mountain at all when they are back but it's not my fault so just stay here and wait it out ok?" Bilbo couldn't read the expression on Thorin's face and waited for a response. "Just go we will deal with this when you get back" Thorin turned and pulled over the paper continuing to write. Taking this as a sign to leave Bilbo began his search for the Kings nephews with the dwarf most likely to know everything going on in Erebor, Nori.

~~~~~~  
"Your looking for Kili and Fili eh? Rumor has it Dwalin had to restrain Kili a few days ago from heading to Mirkwood but that was last I heard on him. I just saw Fili myself a few hours ago with Bofur not too sure where they were going though Mister Baggins" Nori offered picking his nails with a dagger. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about why the king hasn't come out of his chambers since breakfast with his nephews and yourself a few days past do you?" Bilbo refused to meet Nori's eyes "It seems there was a …. Cultural difference so to speak and that's why he asked me to find his nephews and bring them to him"

"What kind of cultural differences? Surely what you did could not be as bad you think?" Nori asked Bilbo  
" Oh , but it was. I accidently gave them coffee." Bilbo said  
"Coffee! Mister Baggins what a mistake you made. Simply put coffee is only used when courting someone." Nori asked.  
" I know that now! my intention was to give them a beverage that hobbits have regularly. Hobbits quite enjoy coffee it doesn't have the same effects on us as it does dwarfs." Bilbo said  
" oh well then mister Baggins I believe you have some babysitting to do. " Nori said.  
"Yes I believe I do. If you excuse me, I must be going to collect the Durins.

"Yes well good luck prying them off who ever they've taken interest in master Baggins you'll need it" Nori grossed with a smile that promised nothing but trouble for Bilbo. "Yes well thank you Nori" Bilbo said heading in the direction of the front gate. If Nori didn't know where they were then it was highly probable that the youngest of the line of Durin were not in Erebor at all.


End file.
